I realized something the other day. It took days of debilitating illness to get me to that point, but then the realization came.
I realized that I create everything that I experience. Everything. Everything. The good. The bad. The boring. The sense of delay. The sense of joy and accomplishment. I create it all. Not only that, but I create all of my experience for reasons having to do with my soul's growth and experience of itself in the world.
I realized that when there is a lesson to be learned, an experience to be lived that is less than I would have it be, or different than I would have it be, it is only when I come into complete acceptance of it, gratitude for it, appreciation for it, that it will be transformed by me. It is there as an annoyance, if it is annoying to me. It is there as a challenge, if it is challenging to me.
I realized, with a sort of sinking sigh running through my being, that every single obstacle and pitfall and trigger and trap is of my own making, of my own design and is for my benefit. And when I have done learning the lesson, experiencing the whole of it, making my way through it and gleaning all that is there for me to glean, then that experience will disappear from my life.
So, the toothache, the chronic back pain, the constant annoyance of some family member's personal habits... whatever it is that sticks, that pulls at you, that makes you want to leave it behind as quickly as possible... is there for a reason and was made by you, for you.
Lately, I have been restless with my work again, wanting to be free of it. This too is an experience that I created for myself, for reasons which are not yet clear to me.
I breathe slowly into the experience. I don't try to change it. I don't try to change my response to my work, my restlessness, my longing to be elsewhere. I don't try to change anything. I breathe the experience of what I am feeling into my being.
As with my recent illness, I lay there too ill to eat, or to stand, or to read.... and just took breath after breath of that reality into my being. Being ill brought me to the truth of this realization because being ill, I was too tired and weak to fight the inevitable need for acceptance.
When I have finished learning and experiencing everything that I have chosen, at a higher level, to learn and experience from this work situation and from my feelings about it, then the situation will change. Even my yearning to do something else is part of the experience, maybe it is the most important part. My practice these days is to breath in the experience and to accept it and my response to it, my feelings about it.
Freedom comes through this acceptance.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Thursday, February 28, 2013
A Powerful Process for Enlightenment
Sit in an open position with your legs a bit spread apart and your arms also spread out, away from your body a bit. I sit in a comfortable padded chair to do this process.
Breathe slowly and deeply. As you breathe in, pull energy into your hands and feet. Energy comes to you from the angels, from God, from the ALL That IS, from the zero point field, from your own divine Self, from Gaia, from the universe. It is light and love energy. It is creative and it is pure.
Pull energy in through your right hand and right foot and flow the energy through your body and then as you exhale, the energy flows out of your left hand and your left foot.
Do the same thing again. Do it a few times, so that you begin to really feel it.
Now, switch sides. Pull energy in through your left hand and left foot and flow the energy through your body and then, as you exhale, the energy flows out of your right hand and your right foot.
Do this a few times as well.
Once you have done this for a few weeks, once a day, during your sitting time, your meditation time, you can charge it up a notch. This, for me, is where it gets really interesting.
Pull energy through from the right side to the left AND from the left side to the right simultaneously. Allow the flow to go both ways at the same time. As you inhale, the energy comes into you from hands and feet on both sides and flows into the center of your energy field and body, where it crosses and then as you exhale, the energy flows out from hands and feet on both sides.
Once that feels comfortable for you, begin at the root chakra and flow the energy through from right to left and from left to right. Flow the energy through that chakra as you inhale and then exhale.
Next, move up to the sacral chakra, in the lower belly, and flow the energy through that chakra as you inhale and then exhale.
And so on, up through the solar plexus, through the heart center, through the throat and then the third eye chakra. Finally, flow the energy through the crown chakra as you inhale and then exhale.
I often then flow the energy back down again, through one chakra at a time, ending at the root chakra, where the spine ends at the very bottom of the torso. Each chakra has energy flow through on the inhale and the exhale, energy flowing in, crossing at the chakra point, and then flowing out.
This has changed my energy in ways that are liberating and empowering.
After doing this, I find myself naturally assuming a position with my body relaxed, my mind completely at peace and my thumb and second finger tip touching on both hands in the classic 'mudra' position that we see in photographs of people meditating.
Breathe deeply for as long as you choose to and then go on with your day.
Breathe slowly and deeply. As you breathe in, pull energy into your hands and feet. Energy comes to you from the angels, from God, from the ALL That IS, from the zero point field, from your own divine Self, from Gaia, from the universe. It is light and love energy. It is creative and it is pure.
Pull energy in through your right hand and right foot and flow the energy through your body and then as you exhale, the energy flows out of your left hand and your left foot.
Do the same thing again. Do it a few times, so that you begin to really feel it.
Now, switch sides. Pull energy in through your left hand and left foot and flow the energy through your body and then, as you exhale, the energy flows out of your right hand and your right foot.
Do this a few times as well.
Once you have done this for a few weeks, once a day, during your sitting time, your meditation time, you can charge it up a notch. This, for me, is where it gets really interesting.
Pull energy through from the right side to the left AND from the left side to the right simultaneously. Allow the flow to go both ways at the same time. As you inhale, the energy comes into you from hands and feet on both sides and flows into the center of your energy field and body, where it crosses and then as you exhale, the energy flows out from hands and feet on both sides.
Once that feels comfortable for you, begin at the root chakra and flow the energy through from right to left and from left to right. Flow the energy through that chakra as you inhale and then exhale.
Next, move up to the sacral chakra, in the lower belly, and flow the energy through that chakra as you inhale and then exhale.
And so on, up through the solar plexus, through the heart center, through the throat and then the third eye chakra. Finally, flow the energy through the crown chakra as you inhale and then exhale.
I often then flow the energy back down again, through one chakra at a time, ending at the root chakra, where the spine ends at the very bottom of the torso. Each chakra has energy flow through on the inhale and the exhale, energy flowing in, crossing at the chakra point, and then flowing out.
This has changed my energy in ways that are liberating and empowering.
After doing this, I find myself naturally assuming a position with my body relaxed, my mind completely at peace and my thumb and second finger tip touching on both hands in the classic 'mudra' position that we see in photographs of people meditating.
Breathe deeply for as long as you choose to and then go on with your day.
Uncertainty
Back in the early 2000's, I wrote a song called Uncertainty. The lyrics are:
A blankness where the future will unfold,
A sense my life's a story that no one has ever told,
Like mist upon the woodland, my way ahead's obscure.
I fish miracles and magic, and my faith in life's the lure!
Not knowing where I'm going I've gone farther down the road
Than all the times I've had it so well planned.
So now I don't try to hold on so hard to what I've chosen;
I hold my head up high to see where I will land.
As long as I'm alive I cannot know
The paths that I will tread if I am open to the flow.
All notions of controlling life now seem to me absurd;
Free of the fear of what will be, I'm cured!
Uncertainty surrounds me, whenever I let go,
Of all those tired notions from my past.
I open wide to all of Life; I let love fill my heart,
And flow into potentials that are vast.
I flow into potentials that are vast!
So what I want to share with you here now is that this is where we are at now. It is time to let go of all of the old stories and definitions of self that we have held to make ourselves feel certain and secure. It will feel a bit like stepping off of a cliff-edge, but rest assured that as you step, you yourself will create new ground beneath your feet. And that new ground will match your frequency, your current level of consciousness, your feeling and your choosing in every moment.
We're on new ground here, exploring new territories of being and doing. Nothing is certain, but everything is open to our frequency, to our truth and to our choosing.
A blankness where the future will unfold,
A sense my life's a story that no one has ever told,
Like mist upon the woodland, my way ahead's obscure.
I fish miracles and magic, and my faith in life's the lure!
Not knowing where I'm going I've gone farther down the road
Than all the times I've had it so well planned.
So now I don't try to hold on so hard to what I've chosen;
I hold my head up high to see where I will land.
As long as I'm alive I cannot know
The paths that I will tread if I am open to the flow.
All notions of controlling life now seem to me absurd;
Free of the fear of what will be, I'm cured!
Uncertainty surrounds me, whenever I let go,
Of all those tired notions from my past.
I open wide to all of Life; I let love fill my heart,
And flow into potentials that are vast.
I flow into potentials that are vast!
So what I want to share with you here now is that this is where we are at now. It is time to let go of all of the old stories and definitions of self that we have held to make ourselves feel certain and secure. It will feel a bit like stepping off of a cliff-edge, but rest assured that as you step, you yourself will create new ground beneath your feet. And that new ground will match your frequency, your current level of consciousness, your feeling and your choosing in every moment.
We're on new ground here, exploring new territories of being and doing. Nothing is certain, but everything is open to our frequency, to our truth and to our choosing.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Creation Through Frequency
I'm seeing frequency as colour combinations. These are beautifully rich in hue and complexity. A single frequency reading will contain many colours. My frequency these days is a rich purple/blue shading into rose pink and fuschia and containing streaks of chartreuse green and green/gold as well.
I have been checking into my chakra energy centers every morning and 'reading,' without any judgement or analysis, the colours there which correspond with energetic frequencies. I can feel the frequencies and see the colours. The colours are a slightly more accessible version, for me, of the sense of the energy. So, the colours allow me to sense my energetic frequency more easily.
I am now playing with, or practicing if you want to think of it that way, choosing my frequency state and then noticing what colours it is showing me. That way, I can bring up into my consciousness those colours and recreate that frequency state within my energetic body.
For example, I have been choosing to feel a sense of empowerment, ability to do anything that I choose to do and freedom to do as I choose at all times. This feels expansive, joyful and consistently empowered, yet without any drama. It is a strong, rich sense of being able. This frequency, for me, seems to take the colours mentioned above - a deep royal blue/purple colour, very rich and deeply hued, and then the rosy pink, deepening to fuschia as a wash of colour over top of the purple. The clear chartreuse green is there somewhere as well. There is no discernible form to any of the visuals, for me. It is like an amorphous cloud of colours and it is always shifting, moving, like clouds at sunset or a sunset reflected in a lake. It is not a still frame image at all.
I believe that each of us will experience our energetic frequency in our own ways and that these ways may also change over time, as we move forward into this shift. So what I am experiencing is meant only as an example of the kind of experiences that we can all play with at this time.
As we move more and more into becoming aware of our energetic frequency states and become better and better at choosing and maintaining the frequency state that we prefer, we will stabilize our physical being and our experiences of being in the physical world. The energetic creates the corresponding experience in physicality.
So, play with your awareness of your feeling state, which can be felt in your body, in your various chakras and become more and more aware of how your energetic frequencies can be felt by you, can be perceived by you. For me, it is as colour and feeling and sometimes tone. For you it might be something different, but it is sure to be interesting and great to play with.
I have been checking into my chakra energy centers every morning and 'reading,' without any judgement or analysis, the colours there which correspond with energetic frequencies. I can feel the frequencies and see the colours. The colours are a slightly more accessible version, for me, of the sense of the energy. So, the colours allow me to sense my energetic frequency more easily.
I am now playing with, or practicing if you want to think of it that way, choosing my frequency state and then noticing what colours it is showing me. That way, I can bring up into my consciousness those colours and recreate that frequency state within my energetic body.
For example, I have been choosing to feel a sense of empowerment, ability to do anything that I choose to do and freedom to do as I choose at all times. This feels expansive, joyful and consistently empowered, yet without any drama. It is a strong, rich sense of being able. This frequency, for me, seems to take the colours mentioned above - a deep royal blue/purple colour, very rich and deeply hued, and then the rosy pink, deepening to fuschia as a wash of colour over top of the purple. The clear chartreuse green is there somewhere as well. There is no discernible form to any of the visuals, for me. It is like an amorphous cloud of colours and it is always shifting, moving, like clouds at sunset or a sunset reflected in a lake. It is not a still frame image at all.
I believe that each of us will experience our energetic frequency in our own ways and that these ways may also change over time, as we move forward into this shift. So what I am experiencing is meant only as an example of the kind of experiences that we can all play with at this time.
As we move more and more into becoming aware of our energetic frequency states and become better and better at choosing and maintaining the frequency state that we prefer, we will stabilize our physical being and our experiences of being in the physical world. The energetic creates the corresponding experience in physicality.
So, play with your awareness of your feeling state, which can be felt in your body, in your various chakras and become more and more aware of how your energetic frequencies can be felt by you, can be perceived by you. For me, it is as colour and feeling and sometimes tone. For you it might be something different, but it is sure to be interesting and great to play with.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Creating Your Reality
For me, creation / reality is the match between my energetic frequency and the 'world' that I experience as my reality. This includes all of my beliefs about the world as well. So, if I am consciously creative, I am conscious of my energetic frequency and am creating from that. As within, so without. Begin within and witness the response outside of you as your reality corresponds to your frequency state.
You can use tone and sound to help you to be a conscious creator of your reality, especially at the beginning as it is all practice practice practice.
The tone and/or vowel and consonant sounds that you express are the auditory expression of your frequency. It is your frequency that 'creates' your reality, since what we experience is a reflection of what we are (Law of Reflection/Attraction). So the tones and sounds are simply a short-cut to get you out of your mind and into the frequency that you truly are. It could be fearful, anxious, joyful, loving, playful or excited, upset or anything else.
If it is not joyful and loving, grateful... or whatever else you would like to experience more of, then the sounds and tones that you express might help you to get in touch with what you are feeling and therefore, with your energetic frequency. Expressing these will move the energy and help you to shift even more quickly into the frequency that you are choosing for yourself. As sounding and toning will take you out of your mind space immediately, you will not really 'have time' to create stories and analysis around what you are feeling, so what you are feeling will more readily and easily be released and expressed from the heart.
For me, lately, it is all in the heart. So, I go into the heart space, check in there, and then, if conditions permit (ie. not in a shopping mall or grocery store), I sound and tone to express what is there.
If it is joyful, grateful, glad... then I am expressing what I am choosing to have more of.
If it is other than these - fearful, anxious in some way... then I am made more aware of it and can move the energy out and release it with the usual acceptance and then choose again, and maybe sound what it is that I am choosing. It might be peace or acceptance itself which I am sounding, and then later, joy might come.
Release what does not serve you; release what you do not choose to experience more of. Go into your heart space and feel the joy, love and gratitude that are there. You may have to go deep into your heart space to find them sometimes. Other times, they will be right there and you don't even have to go in past the threshold. Sound your feelings, which are the indication of your energetic frequency state, if you would like to use that as a tool of expression and release. If not, just beam your frequency out into the world and then move into your next moment. Repeat as often as you choose to.
You can use tone and sound to help you to be a conscious creator of your reality, especially at the beginning as it is all practice practice practice.
The tone and/or vowel and consonant sounds that you express are the auditory expression of your frequency. It is your frequency that 'creates' your reality, since what we experience is a reflection of what we are (Law of Reflection/Attraction). So the tones and sounds are simply a short-cut to get you out of your mind and into the frequency that you truly are. It could be fearful, anxious, joyful, loving, playful or excited, upset or anything else.
If it is not joyful and loving, grateful... or whatever else you would like to experience more of, then the sounds and tones that you express might help you to get in touch with what you are feeling and therefore, with your energetic frequency. Expressing these will move the energy and help you to shift even more quickly into the frequency that you are choosing for yourself. As sounding and toning will take you out of your mind space immediately, you will not really 'have time' to create stories and analysis around what you are feeling, so what you are feeling will more readily and easily be released and expressed from the heart.
For me, lately, it is all in the heart. So, I go into the heart space, check in there, and then, if conditions permit (ie. not in a shopping mall or grocery store), I sound and tone to express what is there.
If it is joyful, grateful, glad... then I am expressing what I am choosing to have more of.
If it is other than these - fearful, anxious in some way... then I am made more aware of it and can move the energy out and release it with the usual acceptance and then choose again, and maybe sound what it is that I am choosing. It might be peace or acceptance itself which I am sounding, and then later, joy might come.
Release what does not serve you; release what you do not choose to experience more of. Go into your heart space and feel the joy, love and gratitude that are there. You may have to go deep into your heart space to find them sometimes. Other times, they will be right there and you don't even have to go in past the threshold. Sound your feelings, which are the indication of your energetic frequency state, if you would like to use that as a tool of expression and release. If not, just beam your frequency out into the world and then move into your next moment. Repeat as often as you choose to.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Self Meets World
In the past few days, I have seemingly broken through into some deeply transformative insights and understandings. Let us see if I can translate my internal knowing and feeling into words that will convey to you the true sense of what I now come to realize.
Firstly, this 'reality' is an illusion. But in the past when I have thought of this, thought of it because it was presented to me as someone else's insight into reality, I have thought of us as unknowing pawns of our own higher selves' construction. Rats in a maze, but we ourselves in some higher and unknown form are the scientists and observers.
I do not have that sense of it now. Now, it is that this illusion is a vast and incredibly complex game or dramatic play that we have created for ourselves. To be on this 'stage,' to be a participant in this 'game' is to be privileged, so very privileged. We are deeply blessed and privileged to be here.
This brings me to the next insight that I have enjoyed over the past few days.
To be in a body, to eat, drink, sit on a toilet, does not negate our divinity, our radiance; to be in a body graces our divinity, our radiance, our higher dimensional Self, our Soul if that word resonates for you.
The HIGHEST SELF that we are is embodied in this physical vehicle, when we allow it to be. And that is what this incredible journey is all about. And this rocks my world, because in the past, I have been spiritual in spite of my physicality.
When I would finish the meditation session, the sitting, the devotional work, the transformational work, and inevitably go back to talking to someone about seemingly inconsequential things, or make dinner, or sit on the toilet, I would feel as if my spirituality was somehow dragged down by the mundane, the physical. I do not feel this way anymore. Rather, I feel that every single instant of my existence is imbued with radiant God-light.
The shift, for me, is that the physical does not limit or negate the spiritual and divine; it is as if the light of ALL that IS streamed into a basketball and found itself well content to be there, for this too is the World and the World is God.
This is where words fail me.
We came here to do this and the doing of this is our honour and privilege and a gift to ALL of CREATION of the highest value because by seemingly negating our divinity, we graced it with the understanding of cause and effect slowed to the minutes and hours of all of our days. I can feel the magnitude of the blessing that we bestow upon ALL of CREATION by our being here, embodied like this. I can feel the privilege of being one of the few, for in ALL of CREATION, seven billion is not a whole lot.
All else that I am currently realizing, in the truest sense of that word, as I am making it real in my experience, is an outflow from that shift in perception about our being here, as we are, in bodies, seemingly weak, flawed, petty and peculiar, devastatingly separated from the God that we love with every breath that we take. In truth, as I now see it, we are creative, perfect, eternal, radiating the light and love that is God with every inhale and exhale.
There is an outflow of realization of such joy and beauty and gladness that I simply sit in wonder. This is impacting my understanding of creation, manifestation, feelings, wantings, fear, time and all other things.
Then, the telephone rings, or my husband wants his supper, or I need to brush my teeth. And the mundane world around me is to me this most precious and wonderful thing: it is the stage upon which we rediscover the truth of who we are and we do this in order to bring the awareness and compassion of our humanity into our divinity.
We do not negate our humanity by claiming our divinity. We do not negate our divinity by making supper, by claiming our humanity. Each graces the other. We came here for this.
Comments are most welcome. Did I do what I set out to do here today? Did I manage to convey even a fraction of what I am realizing?
My limitations are indeed a joy to me now.
Firstly, this 'reality' is an illusion. But in the past when I have thought of this, thought of it because it was presented to me as someone else's insight into reality, I have thought of us as unknowing pawns of our own higher selves' construction. Rats in a maze, but we ourselves in some higher and unknown form are the scientists and observers.
I do not have that sense of it now. Now, it is that this illusion is a vast and incredibly complex game or dramatic play that we have created for ourselves. To be on this 'stage,' to be a participant in this 'game' is to be privileged, so very privileged. We are deeply blessed and privileged to be here.
This brings me to the next insight that I have enjoyed over the past few days.
To be in a body, to eat, drink, sit on a toilet, does not negate our divinity, our radiance; to be in a body graces our divinity, our radiance, our higher dimensional Self, our Soul if that word resonates for you.
The HIGHEST SELF that we are is embodied in this physical vehicle, when we allow it to be. And that is what this incredible journey is all about. And this rocks my world, because in the past, I have been spiritual in spite of my physicality.
When I would finish the meditation session, the sitting, the devotional work, the transformational work, and inevitably go back to talking to someone about seemingly inconsequential things, or make dinner, or sit on the toilet, I would feel as if my spirituality was somehow dragged down by the mundane, the physical. I do not feel this way anymore. Rather, I feel that every single instant of my existence is imbued with radiant God-light.
The shift, for me, is that the physical does not limit or negate the spiritual and divine; it is as if the light of ALL that IS streamed into a basketball and found itself well content to be there, for this too is the World and the World is God.
This is where words fail me.
We came here to do this and the doing of this is our honour and privilege and a gift to ALL of CREATION of the highest value because by seemingly negating our divinity, we graced it with the understanding of cause and effect slowed to the minutes and hours of all of our days. I can feel the magnitude of the blessing that we bestow upon ALL of CREATION by our being here, embodied like this. I can feel the privilege of being one of the few, for in ALL of CREATION, seven billion is not a whole lot.
All else that I am currently realizing, in the truest sense of that word, as I am making it real in my experience, is an outflow from that shift in perception about our being here, as we are, in bodies, seemingly weak, flawed, petty and peculiar, devastatingly separated from the God that we love with every breath that we take. In truth, as I now see it, we are creative, perfect, eternal, radiating the light and love that is God with every inhale and exhale.
There is an outflow of realization of such joy and beauty and gladness that I simply sit in wonder. This is impacting my understanding of creation, manifestation, feelings, wantings, fear, time and all other things.
Then, the telephone rings, or my husband wants his supper, or I need to brush my teeth. And the mundane world around me is to me this most precious and wonderful thing: it is the stage upon which we rediscover the truth of who we are and we do this in order to bring the awareness and compassion of our humanity into our divinity.
We do not negate our humanity by claiming our divinity. We do not negate our divinity by making supper, by claiming our humanity. Each graces the other. We came here for this.
Comments are most welcome. Did I do what I set out to do here today? Did I manage to convey even a fraction of what I am realizing?
My limitations are indeed a joy to me now.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
We Have the Power
I want to convey to you something simple and yet very powerful.
It uses the imagination. It allows for the truth that we are living our lives from the inside out. What we are inside determines what we experience as our world.
Yesterday, I was sitting on the couch crying when my husband came home. He came home three hours later than I thought he would. He went to his French class (as an American living in Quebec, he takes French classes) and then instead of coming straight home, he went to his friend's house and had lunch, talked, and ended up visiting for two hours or more.
While he was doing that, I was imagining that he was dead, killed suddenly in a car crash or something, killed so suddenly that nobody could have foreseen it, just like my brother.
My brother died in 2000, suddenly dead of a heart attack at the age of 43. He died so unexpectedly, seemingly in the peak of health and vitality, that when the authorities in Denver, Colorado, where he had been living and where he died, called my sister to tell her, she didn't believe them. She wanted proof.
I didn't know he had died for almost two days after the rest of my family knew. My father had died less than a month before and I had gone into retreat after spending weeks being so caring and loving toward everyone in my family. Finally, I wanted some time to care for myself. I lived in a remote area, on a mountain road and had no telephone land line, only a cell phone. I had turned off my cell phone so that I could be on my own, quiet, no demands made upon me for just a couple of days.
They kept trying to reach me and couldn't. So they called the police. The police came to my house. I could see them walking in from the gravel road, the one young officer already taking off his hat as he approached my door. I remembered then, so clearly and powerfully, how the young police officer who was my younger brother's friend had described walking up to my parents' door to tell them that Christopher had died back in 1996. He had spoken of the tell-tale holding of the hat in both hands, turning it round and round for something to do, for something to focus on while telling people that their loved one had died. And I knew why they were there at my door even before I opened it.
They didn't know that I had just lost my father. They didn't even know who had died. They told me that my family were desperately trying to contact me and that someone in my family had died.
I thought it was my mother. So soon after losing her husband of 47 years.... No, it was John. The one with whom I was most close. The one on whom I depended more than I could admit even to myself.
I wanted that time, then, in the days after I heard the news of his death, to be all about me. "Let this be somehow my time to be comforted and cared for!" was my plea to the heavens. But it was not to be. It was, as with Christopher's death, and the death of my father, up to me to be the strong one, the one on whom others depended. Even though I told them, "I can't do it this time...." whispered it, really, in a desperate attempt to find the strength and comfort from someone else for a change... even so, it fell on me to exercise the family dog, fly to Denver and deal with all of John's affairs, put my grief on hold until after the funeral....
As I sat on the couch yesterday, all of that was there within me, needing to be released, to be resolved.
When my husband saw me crying he did all the right things. (I didn't even know him in 2000 when John died so tragically.) He hugged me. He held my hand. He got a blanket from the bedroom and wrapped me in it. I could have written a message in the sky, "This man is so wonderful in the way that he loves me!"
But it wasn't enough. I was hurting and needing to find resolution for what had happened in 2000.
I went into the forest and sat. I got chilled sitting there and then came in and had a hot bath. I had supper. I sat by candle light and felt, and remembered, and felt some more.
Then, I realized that I could bring my wonderful husband into that scenario. I could IMAGINE him there, in 2000, with me, holding my hand, saying all the right things, doing all the supportive things that I was so desperate to have someone do. And so I did. And it felt so good. And it healed the hurt and terrified self that I was then. I literally felt as if I would crumble into madness, into catatonic madness in my unmet grief when John died. Instead, I did the dishes and walked the dog and took endless phone calls from friends of the family. In my imagined new scenario, my husband was there with me every step of the way, helping, understanding, listening. He said, "You're allowed to scream if you want to." He said, "You're allowed to feel so angry that you want to lash out and hurt someone, or hurt yourself." He said, "You are not alone in this. I am here. I am not going anywhere."
And then, finally, after more than twelve years, my needs had been met. I had imagined them being met, by this dear friend who happens to be my husband, and so they were. See, this is the key thing. When we imagine that it is so, it is so. On one very real level, it is so.
So, then I slept.
And this morning, I woke up and did it again. This time, I was addressing the child I was so many years ago and saying, "You are a good, sweet person and will have a life of joy and self-fulfillment." Only this time, I as I am now, was saying that in my imagination to the child that I was then. And it felt so good!
As we imagine it, so it is. And the future is the past healed. That last line does not come from me, it comes from Tobias, channeled through Geoffery Hoppe. You can find the messages, many of them, at www.crimsoncircle.com
I imagine now that I am surrounded by good, wise and true friends. And I am.
As we imagine it, so it is.
It uses the imagination. It allows for the truth that we are living our lives from the inside out. What we are inside determines what we experience as our world.
Yesterday, I was sitting on the couch crying when my husband came home. He came home three hours later than I thought he would. He went to his French class (as an American living in Quebec, he takes French classes) and then instead of coming straight home, he went to his friend's house and had lunch, talked, and ended up visiting for two hours or more.
While he was doing that, I was imagining that he was dead, killed suddenly in a car crash or something, killed so suddenly that nobody could have foreseen it, just like my brother.
My brother died in 2000, suddenly dead of a heart attack at the age of 43. He died so unexpectedly, seemingly in the peak of health and vitality, that when the authorities in Denver, Colorado, where he had been living and where he died, called my sister to tell her, she didn't believe them. She wanted proof.
I didn't know he had died for almost two days after the rest of my family knew. My father had died less than a month before and I had gone into retreat after spending weeks being so caring and loving toward everyone in my family. Finally, I wanted some time to care for myself. I lived in a remote area, on a mountain road and had no telephone land line, only a cell phone. I had turned off my cell phone so that I could be on my own, quiet, no demands made upon me for just a couple of days.
They kept trying to reach me and couldn't. So they called the police. The police came to my house. I could see them walking in from the gravel road, the one young officer already taking off his hat as he approached my door. I remembered then, so clearly and powerfully, how the young police officer who was my younger brother's friend had described walking up to my parents' door to tell them that Christopher had died back in 1996. He had spoken of the tell-tale holding of the hat in both hands, turning it round and round for something to do, for something to focus on while telling people that their loved one had died. And I knew why they were there at my door even before I opened it.
They didn't know that I had just lost my father. They didn't even know who had died. They told me that my family were desperately trying to contact me and that someone in my family had died.
I thought it was my mother. So soon after losing her husband of 47 years.... No, it was John. The one with whom I was most close. The one on whom I depended more than I could admit even to myself.
I wanted that time, then, in the days after I heard the news of his death, to be all about me. "Let this be somehow my time to be comforted and cared for!" was my plea to the heavens. But it was not to be. It was, as with Christopher's death, and the death of my father, up to me to be the strong one, the one on whom others depended. Even though I told them, "I can't do it this time...." whispered it, really, in a desperate attempt to find the strength and comfort from someone else for a change... even so, it fell on me to exercise the family dog, fly to Denver and deal with all of John's affairs, put my grief on hold until after the funeral....
As I sat on the couch yesterday, all of that was there within me, needing to be released, to be resolved.
When my husband saw me crying he did all the right things. (I didn't even know him in 2000 when John died so tragically.) He hugged me. He held my hand. He got a blanket from the bedroom and wrapped me in it. I could have written a message in the sky, "This man is so wonderful in the way that he loves me!"
But it wasn't enough. I was hurting and needing to find resolution for what had happened in 2000.
I went into the forest and sat. I got chilled sitting there and then came in and had a hot bath. I had supper. I sat by candle light and felt, and remembered, and felt some more.
Then, I realized that I could bring my wonderful husband into that scenario. I could IMAGINE him there, in 2000, with me, holding my hand, saying all the right things, doing all the supportive things that I was so desperate to have someone do. And so I did. And it felt so good. And it healed the hurt and terrified self that I was then. I literally felt as if I would crumble into madness, into catatonic madness in my unmet grief when John died. Instead, I did the dishes and walked the dog and took endless phone calls from friends of the family. In my imagined new scenario, my husband was there with me every step of the way, helping, understanding, listening. He said, "You're allowed to scream if you want to." He said, "You're allowed to feel so angry that you want to lash out and hurt someone, or hurt yourself." He said, "You are not alone in this. I am here. I am not going anywhere."
And then, finally, after more than twelve years, my needs had been met. I had imagined them being met, by this dear friend who happens to be my husband, and so they were. See, this is the key thing. When we imagine that it is so, it is so. On one very real level, it is so.
So, then I slept.
And this morning, I woke up and did it again. This time, I was addressing the child I was so many years ago and saying, "You are a good, sweet person and will have a life of joy and self-fulfillment." Only this time, I as I am now, was saying that in my imagination to the child that I was then. And it felt so good!
As we imagine it, so it is. And the future is the past healed. That last line does not come from me, it comes from Tobias, channeled through Geoffery Hoppe. You can find the messages, many of them, at www.crimsoncircle.com
I imagine now that I am surrounded by good, wise and true friends. And I am.
As we imagine it, so it is.
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