I think we've all been there. We all know how good it feels when we are in the moment, in the flow. We also know how grindingly awkward and disjointed it feels to be out of the flow after having experienced it. Yuck!
Lately, I struggle with this. I live in the moment, but I often wish that the moment could be somewhat different than it is. I do what I can to control what happens. I push and prod, send emails and make phone calls. I reach and grasp and sometimes, I flounder and falter and fall.
A good example from my life right now is these In the Moment activities which I designed as a series and which have not really gotten off the ground yet. Drumming Circle is doing quite well and the Free Form Dancing is also a real joy, but the Sounding Circle, which is toning and expressing without words, and so dear to my heart right now, has not enjoyed success and the Drama Games activity looks like it might be put aside since there is only one person who has expressed a real interest in it. I'm not going to lie to you; sometimes I feel really sad when I contemplate NOT doing these activities. I'm attached, emotionally and perhaps, egotistically, to them.
I understand the wisdom of holding no agenda here, of letting these develop or not develop as they will. That's the flow. The flow is trust. The flow is acceptance. The flow is allowance through unconditional love for ALL-That-Is. The flow is the release of any need to control the outcome. It is the release of any and all desired outcomes. Just let it be.
Take a deep breath.
Easier said, I think, than done - this releasing of all control, of all agenda, of all desires.
The symbol, or sign, that I use for myself is the position in which I am holding my hands. I open my hands up as wide as they can go, stretching my fingers and thumbs out far and opening, opening my grasp. When my hands are open wide like that, they can't hold on to anything. They release. I release.
The feeling of releasing is in my heart. It is a subtle, but perceptible, opening of my heart. It creates a space within me for acceptance. Breathing helps with this. I intentionally take deep long breaths that expand my lungs and clear my head.
But sometimes, none of these seem to take me there and I'm left in a sort of sorrow for what might have been, for what I would have liked to have experienced and there's a tendency toward regret, bitterness, resentment.
What shall I do with that?
What would you do?
Lately, I stay with it. I quietly work my way into it and breathe and feel and if need be I cry a little bit. Crying is a great release of these energies that sometimes seem to weigh us down.
What might have been. Oh, so sad sometimes to think of it! Lovely, lovely sadness, like November's colours, like that soft light that we have now even on sunny days here in the north. That slanting sunlight, those long shadows, that lingering sadness of regret, of longing. It's okay to feel it, you know. We've been told so often that enlightened people, wise people, good people don't feel such things. I beg to differ. This too is part of the flow. Wise people, enlightened people, good people feel all that their lives contain. It takes courage to do this; we know that. That's why the breathing helps so much.
And now, here, in the dark time of the year, going with the divine flow of your life, of your yes's and all of your no's, taking the time to feel it, not denying it, not pretending that these emotions are not in you, rather honouring them, honouring yourself, ALL that you are, every aspect of your humanness.... That IS the flow, the flow of your Being in the World, a sacred thing, a blessed thing, a miraculous always-becoming.
Acceptance, yes! Acceptance even of this sadness, this regret, this bitter longing, unmet desire, unfulfilled dreaming.... Yes, even these.
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