My Path - Beginnings

I feel that it would be beneficial perhaps to some who read this blog to know where I come from, what beliefs and attitudes I have held. Perhaps in this way some can see their own stories reflected in mine, or can see that we have travelled similar paths.

I began as the daughter of a very intellectual and atheist father and a Christian mother. My mother was not devout; she used the United Church of Canada as a community that she could feel she belonged in. However, my mother did take me Sunday School when I was very young. Later, at my father's insistence, she gave all of us, myself and my three brothers and two sisters the choice of attending church or not. I chose to attend church with my mother sometimes. I liked the feeling of Him in that place when I was young. I didn't like the words used though, not then and not later. Words were extraneous and inadequate and just in the way, as far as I was concerned. I liked to sit in complete silence, in that all-too-brief pause between the moment when the minister said, "Let us pray," and when he began to speak the standard prayers of the United Church of Canada.

When I was about sixteen years old, my older brothers had been away at a boarding school in the countryside and I decided that I would also like to attend that co-educational school. My brother John had told me that the classes were more challenging and interesting than what was offered at the public high school in Dorval, Quebec, where I lived. I liked the idea of being challenged because I was bored silly and a straight A student. There was nothing for me to learn in the high school near my parents' house, at least, that is how I decided it was for me. In truth, I missed the gymnastics instruction and the music instruction, both of which were lacking at Bishop's College School. Still, I decided to go to the boarding school. Most of my classmates were drinking beer and smoking cigarettes and marijuana and I didn't want to waste my time with that.

At Bishop's, morning chapel attendance was required and there was a long service every Sunday which we had to attend also. My brother John had advised me to join the choir to make all of this compulsory church attendance less burdensome. I was very glad that I followed his advice.

We were a choir of 150 voices and we sang almost the entire service, from prayer responses to psalms and hymns. We sang the Creed and everything else, except the daily lessons and the weekly sermon. I loved the choir singing and I loved the harmonies that filled me with joy. We often sang in six part harmony; having so many voices and an experienced and accomplished choir director allowed for that.

As I sang, of course, I became more and more aware of the words that I was singing. The Creed especially became difficult for me to sing. I did not consider myself to be a sinner in need of salvation. I did not consider the Christ to be my 'Lord.' I am sovereign and felt myself to be sovereign even then.
So, I changed the words! I changed the word Jesus to the word Life. I changed the word Lord to the word Life. I didn't sing the changed words, of course, but I said them to myself. I decided then that I would create my own relationship with the most beloved Creator and Source, with the Christ who was pure love and light.