Wanting

Yesterday, taken with the idea of living somewhere else – brought on by my husband’s expressions of dissatisfaction which have since tapered off – I started looking at tiny houses and was on a tear – a mental body frenzy – of “I like” and “I want” and “maybe this.” I got out the graph paper, pencil and eraser and started drawing, dreaming and scheming. My sleep was so compromised, so light and troubled. I woke more exhausted than when I went to bed. My energy was and still is all frenetic. Not liking it at all, I struggled to free myself from it. 

I realized that I ran the frequency of wanting, of what if… I could have… and I can literally feel the frequency of wanting in me. 

We create, in a snowball to avalanche way, so quickly now. I can understand someone becoming consumed with want, fear, jealousy, resentment… or riding a sweet wave – as I usually do – of peace, well-being, calm, acceptance, compassion, unconditional love, gratitude, joy and feeling blessed. Phew! 

I finally identified the frequency I was actually holding and sent compassion to that part of myself that wants… wants anything, because wanting anything will take you into more and more wanting. Then I rose yawning from my tangled bed clothes to face a long day, dressed and went out into the cool August dawn.

I realize too that as I was designing this new home and new life for myself, I took myself completely out of being present here, now, in this life. Walking, I intentionally called myself into this time, this place. Berry picking completed the cure. 

Tired, but a bit wiser, I go on now with my day.