I Realized - Two

I realized that the natural world brought me peace and joy, always.

I realized that Goddess worship and Earth-based spirituality, also called paganism by some, was a way forward for me because it used the power of words, the power of vocalized song in the form of chanting, and the beauty and power of the natural world, (the natural world’s frequency I would now say, although I would not have used that word then). I realized that paganism was a great fit for me.

I realized that spellcraft was specifically directed at the self and the self’s experience of the world, rather than being directed at the world which would then conform to the self. Spellcraft, I realized, changes the self and so the self experiences the world as changed.

I realized that I loved the world anew through spellcraft and could do Earth healing, whereby I sent that love out to the world as an energy for the Earth to do with as Earth chose to do.

I realized that spellcraft is healing of past traumas; it is the bringing into wholeness of a fragmented self, a self that has fragmented because the pain or distress were too great to bear, so they were repressed and pushed away. Spellcraft worked actively and consciously to allow awareness of these with compassion and then to release them through rituals of release and transmutation.

I realized that there was a point of presence and a point of power or will inside of me. Again, I wouldn’t have used that phrase ‘point of presence,’ but it fits now; I use it now. That point of presence was big.

I realized - and it blew my circuits - that I could embody the consciousness of Gaia. I ‘aspected’ Gaia, which is what new age wiccans call it when we drop our selfhood down down down through our body, through our feet and then bring in, call in, the aspect of a Goddess or off-world being. I aspected Gaia, and I haven’t been the same since. I was Gaia, in the body of this little human being.

I realized that each of these many Goddesses are aspects of the ONE, which is neither male nor female, neither creator alone, nor destroyer alone, but all things simultaneously.

I realized that I could again begin to use the word God, although both the words God and Goddess are completely inadequate to THAT which we feel as God/Goddess.

I realized that I wanted to feel into the One whom people call Jesus the Christ. I realized that I didn’t want to throw that particular ‘baby’ out with the filthy bath water of Christian dogma, cruelty and dysfunction.

I realized that I didn’t need to do ritual out of doors to achieve that feeling of union with the divine in the world, that feeling of union with the spirit of the world; I could do ritual within my small room and be as big as the world. I also realized that whenever I walked out of doors, whenever I walked the land, I was communing with that spirit of the world.

I realized that psycho-therapy was again a healing and transmutation of past trauma and old wounds and scars from wounds; the methods that worked well for me as a client in psycho-therapy took me into awareness of the trauma, allowed me the time and a safe space to observe it with compassion, and thus to transmute the woundedness, just as witchcraft had done.

I realized that I could do the work of psycho-therapy on my own and I began to do this whenever I was ‘triggered’ by overly dramatic responses within myself to external stimuli. This practice was exceedingly and invariably beneficial to me; I developed the courage to ‘see’ the past trauma, the wound or the scar with compassion and thus to transmute it with, as I now would say, unconditional love, although I would not have used that term then; I would have used the term compassion.

I realized that I didn’t need the external symbols of spellcraft; I had internalized them.

I realized that I didn’t need to ‘protect’ myself by casting a circle. I still loved to call in the directions, the energies and the spirit of the world in the form of Goddess, but more and more it was becoming all one thing, all one calling to and then receiving. I realized that wiccan ritual was no longer appealing to me.

I was about 41 years old by this time.